Monday, January 31, 2011

~ synopsis~

~My day in a nutshell - made soup, took almost 200 pictures, ate some of that incredible vegetarian (for other people, not myself I love meat) deliciousness, drank so much hot chocolate it was almost painful, watched hitchiker's guide to the galaxy, edited pictures, end of anything important~

So basically I had a fat day minus those 200 almost photos. Lately I have been trying to take a lot more, and I've  come to the conclusion I love photography. I am not sure why, but it is something I have not gotten bored of yet, the only true detour so far has been a lack of time for it, and the freezing coldness that plagues my hands. Taking pictures in this weather is less than enjoyable I think, but I still manage to at least once a think oh hey, I wish I had my camera right about now. That thought races through my mind almost every time my friends show up, I see the sky, or I wonder outdoors. It probably is not going to go away any time soon. Hurry back sun!

My dream

  My dream was unusually vivid last night, and that almost never happens, so as a responsible teenager I'm writing up my dream so I do not forget it, I may do this again if I ever happen to have another vivid dream but honestly at the rate it happens it may be a few, well years.
  To start somehow my mother got me a job as a painter. Now I do not think I have ever actually painted any houses so, this was a bit of a far stretch. It was not exactly lucid dreaming, since it felt rather real. So anyhow my first day on the job as a painter I was instructed to paint some guy called Joe's house. He was a white male, maybe 6 '2, rather skinny and had a rat like face. He told my mother that I was making around 39$ an hour and all he wanted was his basement a nice reasonable white. The first thing I noticed was the failed attempts. Many people had already wanted to paint this house but been interrupted in the process, this sent my brain thinking he was a lazy rich bum who had tried to be cheap but did not have the patience for painting his own house. So of course I started instantly on a half decent part , re-doing it.
  As the day went on at around lunch time Joe and his wife went out for dinner. This also struck me as weird afterwards but I do not remember questioning it in my dream. As I continued on with my work I went upstairs to grab some KD (which is probably exactly what I would do in real life). As I was cooking a strange man grabbed me from behind and dragged me out of the house shouting , "You need to leave, NOW!" The now should be in caps in the way he said it, it was very enthusiastic almost. We went across the street to his house where he quickly hid me behind a couch. He explained that Joe was a child killer, and "hired" teens to paint his home, he got his wife out of the house, he came back murdered them and left them out on the highway to die. Now this highway was nothing like any one I had ever seen around, at around then I realized my dream was not set in my home town.
  He told me to get in his trunk, and he would drive me to safety. I VERY quickly told him I was claustrophobic, and really why should I trust some random stranger. He could very well be the killer as well! I ran out of his house exclaiming things like do not touch me you weirdo, and yelling help. He chased after me with a evil grin and he yelled things such as I need to save you. About then I realized he was in cahoots with Joe. I had to get away.
  Joe than appeared out of no where on the other side of the street. Somehow I pulled out bear mace and sprayed them both in the eyes. Weirdly enough later in the dream I tell my boyfriend that I use a paint roller, not sure why that is but hey, it is a dream. I darted down below the road and start stealthily getting home through peoples lawns and back alleys.
 Now in my dream it is expressed as  a rather long journey, totally around 10 hours. But in my mind it pretty much just skipped from dark to light, to dark again, and I start paying attention about a block from my boyfriends. It is dark, both their cars are following my progress, and my heart is thumping like mad. I make a break for it and run into his ( I am going to call my boyfriend him . he , et now, its shorter) house and locked the door quickly. I did not see anyone there so I ran into his room and under his bed. Which of course he was in, apparently the clock said 3 in the morning.
  So of course both Joe and his neighbour type guy park their cars outside waiting for me to leave, creepers. I quickly find him laying in bed with the phone. I snuggled up to him and take the phone, and instantly call nine one one in a panic. Up until that point I do not remember being upset, but as soon as I call 911 I am sobbing my eyes out. I somehow explain to the cop that they have to come here, now, without sirens so they can catch the men. He wakes up to my crying, and quickly comforts me and hides me under some blankets in the corner of his room (He has a box fort, its amazing :) )
  Soon the cops come and apprehend both the men, and I am free to go. I leave the corner of his room, stop crying, and instantly I was in court speaking against them both putting on a witness testimony. Both men confess, and I head home, feeling better about life in general.
  Now for the life of me I cannot tell what sparked that, or what it means. The night before I watched Tron, talked to K (who will hopefully know who she is ) and passed out around 11. If anyone knows anything about dreams, honestly I would love to know. I think the painting thing is pulled up from me helping paint a local establishment, but the killer named Joe, and the neighbour I have no idea about. I do not even know anyone named Joe.
 I hate having unexplained dreams. Oh well, my friend is now coming over for MAKE SOUP DAY<3 byeby interwebs ~

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Intolerance

~ should you tolerate intolerance? Is it a good idea to allow someone mercy or grace for something you may not necessarily agree with, or should you press your ideas of tolerance on them therefore showing intolerance? Just something to think about, just because you think something is right does not make it so. For instance the idea of murder being wrong, is that just because we as a society frown on it, or is it because it is actually unjust. Murder has probably removed many a tyrant from the throne, helping many children whom were being tortured out, and other great gifts to maybe better people. Does that mean if you are truly tolerant you should accept those bad people, and those killers as well. Tolerance includes everyone, but if everyone is tolerant to everything, laws get thrown out the door. I think basic society laws state you need a balance between tolerance and punishment, the line on deciding is just the tricky part~ something to mull over ~

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Debates

~ pointless debates over things that do not matter have to be one of the most amusing things I ever hear. How people can go so crazy over their personal ideas and decide that no matter what they must keep onto their ideas and not loose. I also enjoy how my two friends beside me are arguing over the words agnostic and atheist,  two words with VERY similar meanings but of course, they must duel to the death. I love my life some days :) Thanks guys, you inspired me to type something albeit short up ~ that is all

secrets

This will be a rather small post- so do not mind that.
I hate when people find out things they rather should not know.
Can I trust someone I would not necessarily tell about something? But also, should you not have inert faith in people that they are able to and will keep your secret. After the events of today I think I have learned inert faith is reasonable, and true. People are more trusting then they appear. Occasionally, you need to spread your secrets, life may just become more entertaining. You won't ever know unless you try, right? 

Friday, January 28, 2011

A continum

   I probably spelt  the title wrong, but this post is in some accordance to the last one. This morning as it were in my time I think I shall ramble on about expectations for the future!
  Everyone has them. Everyone cannot wait for their next date, the next big party, the next who's who event. I do not know about adults but for teenagers this is certainly the case. People discuss what has happened, and what is about to in the next week or so.
  But is this bad? I think it may pull away from anything happening RIGHT NOW! Who has completely  missed an incredible day, and incredible moment focusing on the ones that will come. Expectation are never fully met, but this one moment may completely take your breath away. As the cliché says why wait for tomorrow what you can do today; I think it should read why wait, period? Life is an outstanding idea, it is completely your perception though.
  I have noticed myself shying away from the more negative people in my life recently. They are the people that live for yesterday, and have honestly started to get on my nerves. Life overall for almost anyone I know is superb. They have food, water, friends, loved ones, everything yet they can complain for almost three hours about nothing.
  As a person I am generally positive. I of course have had some negative moments, who has not.   I like to think of my self as a pessimistic optimist; which basically means I see the best in everything, except myself. Having more positive people around me has changed my inner thinking on this though, who needs gossip? Who needs a complaint every ten minutes, when you miss ten chances to make someone's day better. I think a better understanding of expectations is to just, discard them. Life is what you make it, when you start deciding to. Nothing more~ nothing less :)

Expectations

Girls expectations are always higher than guys. They live in romantized ideals and fairy tale romances ever since a girls first day born. Who does not want prince charming to sweep you off your feet, carry you away and woo you. To be better, who does not want a perfect romance; everlasting love, for life?
Are any of these ideas reasonable? Of course, none involve flying, break the laws of physics or defy life. But what are the chances of this happening? Honestly if you said one in ten guys had one personality trait out of say my top ten : honesty, resect, intelligence, attractive, funny, tall ( yes that's incredibly shallow) , friendly and outspoken , kind and caring, relaxed. Each is a 1/10 chance, so all ten would be ten ^10 chance, or one in 10000000000 by my simple, very basic and unscientific math.
But by my simple logic, no one on earth would ever find someone with their top ten desired trates. So are people created on their ability to click with others? Or do people just have to learn to settle and forgive Someone for their shortcomings.
Anyhow that is what was on my mind~ maybe I'll finish tomorow I'm tired! ~ I love you to a certain someone <3 Good night!




Thursday, January 27, 2011

special sanctions

Is there a case in life where you make special exceptions? For instance waking up at 6 in the morning for a friend in need? I think there is only one case I would do almost anything; friends family and boy toys. I would for sure leave my house at 4 in the morning for a friend whose just gotten dumped; not to randomly sneak out for a party though. Weird how that works, my values and such. If its for a good cause I'd break any rule, but on the other side I've been asked to sneak out to see some friends got drunk and I declined. My values I think may be a little warped. Either way I would get in equal trouble (strange but true) My mom is strange in that sense. Alas~ I wonder why that is? What causes you to make unnamed rules for oneself in the first place? I think part of it is out of respect for my family. I love my mom enough not to be ridiculous and put in jail~ usually. But If in my mind it is justified as a moral good, I may even sneak over to a party to rescue a friend. There is not any difference except for in my mind I guess. Everyone puts boundaries on oneself even if your not quite aware of it. Why not? Rules, at least self induced one are what keeps one in society. Imagine not having them though. Young adulthood sounds like it does not have rules, although how many college kids become mass murderers or rapists? So obviously they have some, unbeknown ideologies in their minds. Most people do not even know of these I think, I know the only people I've seen show theirs are OCD folks whom have to do things a certain way. Anyhow its early and i want food ~ good morning! :)

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

passions

Everyone in life has a few, no matter if they think so or not. A passion is something you can work at for hours, do the dirty work for and still want to go back to in the morning.  Something that can occupy all your time and never last a minute. Love is passion, life should be passion, and everything should be passionate <3 ~ that is all

Exams, last and FINAL day

Yayy, for exams are finally, well almost finished. I happen to have another in around 1 hour or so, not that I'm overly worried about it. Socials, truly who needs it? Well, graduating does I assume, but they're the only ones whom care.
The thing that really drives me mental about all of this is who decided I need this one class in order to be successful. Shall I become a historian, I may see its use, up until that point though, I doubt it. Really truly I dislike some classes, especially socials. Now, I do not know why that is, the class just, is not interesting to me. I also do not think it is important. Math I sort of understand a use for, though only about, maybe 1/4 of the things we learn we may think about past high school; depending on your job.
  Another thing on my mind is how much I dislike loosing sleep over anything, sleep is precious.Having  had taken about a litre on Nos today (and no that is not healthy) I feel jittery, but still insanely tired. It has not helped my fatigue at all, though it has robbed me of any hope of going to bed before 1.
  Lets see, there is not a whole lot on my mind as it were,seeing as how my brain has shut off. Has that ever happened to you? In the middle of my chemistry exam I completely lost focus. Everything had almost a dream like blur to its color, the light became intensely bright and I just could not think for any life of me. Having had ADD all my life I am truly used to a lack of focus, nothing that takes longer than an hour ever has,but this was almost like phasing out. I wonder if that happens to most kids... maybe?
Finally, last but not least I would like to add that although I dislike English; it has actually done something for me. I spent all last day (yesterday, since i temporarily forgot the word) thinking about the little gifts life brought me. Time spent laughing with my friends was great. I even managed to  enjoy watching people play DDR; a game I don't necessarily hate, but strongly dislike. ~ apparently I need to eat, bye bye world :)

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Exams, how I hate thee

    Well. exams are terrible, but I actually enjoyed the story I wrote up, so I'm gonna write it up on here. Not that anyone reads this; but it sounded enjoyable. If anyone does, enjoy <3
   Actually, I think i may be lazy, and write the gist of it. I was sort of proud by my main idea, though loser informs me it was too graphic for a final exam. He is mental.
   So the premise is this; a boy named kyle who is a rich snob prep teenage boy alcoholic sociopath saves a boy, whom is beaten and stolen from by his parents from commiting suicide; through a slice of pizza :) I thought that was damn well bloody brilliant, but could it word? If you were so hung up about life hating you, could one instance change your view. I think that hate, an acquired hate is deep. It does not go away, it will not subside. The only thing is that there are many accounts of people changing views such as this over a simple act. I think that this is because those people  were looking for an excuse to not die. This is not a bad thing, on the contrary it is an incredible thing that should be happening more often, for suicide should not occur.
   The other subject I assume he decided was to obscene for a school essay may have been the whole suicide thing. I guess it may be a touchy subject, though my family is so open about things I never think about that. suicide is not wrong per say, but it is not the answer. It does not truly solve anything. Also I guess being beaten by parents, and stolen from by parents are probably both touchy subjects aswell.
  Final thoughts ; exams suck. They are not useful, they do not truly portray how much you know a subject, and they are unneeded. Most teens panic beforehand, none do as well as they could if it was not a pressured topic and such a large portion of your grades. Studying kills any ability to sleep, eat, or even attempt to live real life. The lazy ways that should be encouraged in your childhood is destroyed. As you can tell I hate essays. That is all ~  Me =)

Monday, January 24, 2011

Thoughts

Urgh, apperently if you do something for 30 days straight it will become habit ; guess what my new goal is? Honestly after finding OIT that from my iPod this may be easier than at first I would have thought persuades me but i am enjoying letting out all my mental thoughs. Now they never happen to be organized, ñor in any particular order, but going over my thoughts in a day has become enjoyable, though I'm only on day 3/ 30 so wish me luck <3
So the first thing that truly will lead to my last is well, me and my significant other; on this posts behalf I shall call him my loser( a term of endearment) had a not actual but sort of fight. Now this is insignificant to this post, there was some crying we made up than we talked... Blah blah blah. The important thing on behalf of this post happens to be our conversions.
See, we discussed a three part dream I have had. Throughout the last few nights I've had an almost reaccuring dream. To start, in part one he gets butterfly malaria ( most ridiculous non existant disease my brain has come up with). Part two is the progression if the disease, and eventually he dies in my arms, beside me. The third and final installment is me sitting on a bridge, I think , reminess and eventually by the end of the dream jump to my death.
Why does that matter? It means my subconcious beleives he's worth dying for. That scares me, to an extent I cannot say. I have been selfish in the ideal that I have spent my life truly beleiving I'm not that ignorant as to beleive a boyfriend would be worth my death. Truly I would have thought that in their name I would grow as a person from it, be hurt but eventually heal, keep the experience with me but move on.
Obviously the voice in my head disagrees. But why? Is there something new in this relationship that has changed my inner beleifs. I am fairly sure I love him, but I would hope It's not quite that tragic. My subconcious scares me occassionaly.
Anyhow in my day that was the prevailing thought I would say; posting my inner thoughts on the Internet probably isn't oh so helpfull but it helps me sort stuff out; thanks to anyone~ if there is anyone reading this... ~ just me

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Girls nights

Oh hey world =) I adore girls nights; to a weird extent. They are the epitome of a great night for a female. You get the best of both worlds ; hot boys to fantasize about, makeup and dress up to make yourself pretty, and the ability to talk about any subject of popular culture or present day happenings.

Me and my sleepovery ( the girl whom is at my house) were of course discussing boys and the various reasons why they date girls. I've realized that I may have had rather shallow relationships. A point that has came across is should you date someone solely on the fact they are atractive to you. Should an actual mental connection be needed to start a relationship; or just to continue it.

Personally I've had terrible luck in that aspect. Almost 80% of my boyfriends only decided to date me on account of the way I look. Now, I am not some incredibly great fantastic looking plastic girl. I am not a godess in walking stiletto's ; no one would ever declare there love for me on sight. But I guess I would not call myself hideous either. I understand the fact I'm not disgusting to the human eye either. But I hate how it made myself feel knowing That was the only reason they dated me, it hurt.

So I guess in my personal opinion yes you need to have a real bond. You must have that true mental wanting to be around each other and not just want to look at one another. Of course my friend now wants me to visit and study with her; final thoughts; date Someone you'd want to be best friends with, and someone you would not mind staring at all night aswell. Do not comprimise either section of a relationship. That's how you get actual depth and real love I would think; seems to be so far =)

Random thoughts

          So well... I made this blog for a few reasons. Honestly I doubt I'll be using it all that much, but ever so often I have deep profound (not that profound mind you) thoughts, and keeping a diary for me is hell... it kills my hand that is apparently overly weak; hence blog. Also it may even improve my typing... doubtful but i can hope right?

        Well first thought here, though not connected to any later ones is that this interface does not accept tab as a key, or at least will not allow it to function. Thats strange, I enjoy tabbing my paragraphs. Okay so first thought was from when i was walking home, would you rather die for someone, or be tortured for them. This was brought about by my reading of 1984 ( George Orwell for anyone whom is not aware). In it he compromises his love for a girl named Julia, because they threaten him with rats eating him to death.

    The premise is though, that theoretically you can survive that. You could survive mass torture, and save the one you love as well. But would you? If you truly loved someone; than would it really be a question. True love entails wanting them to live above yourself, no matter what, correct? But, if anyone was in that situation, almost no one would succumb to torture on the behalf of their loved ones.

    That sort of begs the question, can real, unadulterated love exist. If no one (or rather VERY few) people would accept that; no one truly loves anyone else in that idea. That also bring me to my second thought, in my lovely thinking I discovered I would much rather die for someone. I mean, it would be instantaneous, so it would not be painful. I would not regret being dead afterwards, and my last thought would of course be "Damn... I rock !" How can you die for someone and not feel great about yourself really. But, also, thats almost taking the easy way out. Truly you did not suffer anything on their behalf. Its almost the same as sleeping forever on behalf of someone who needs your kidneys... no great harm to you. You will not even notice.

       My second random thought was while I was with my boyfriend, though it is a rather strange topic. Me him and my other friend Josh had been discussing this random gay character (Kurt, for anyone who watches Glee) and if he would be attracted to himself. I always imagine when in campy T.V and movies the two main characters switch bodies (way overused plot line by the way) and the male checks himself out; as does the female. But if you were already into the same sex as you would it not be the same? I do not think so, unless said person was narcissistic; but it made for interesting conversations. I am pretty sure biologically you cannot truly be interested in yourself, for it gets you "biologically speaking" no where. I also know whom your attracted to is something to do with how your brain is constructed - they proved it, as far as i'm aware- that being homosexual is something your born with, a trait. Just like a large nose, or brown hair. I also thought that was sorta fascinating, but i can talk about that some other time.

      Anyhow, those were my random thoughts over the last few days. Ive decided I shall just leave blogger open on my computer; for inspirations sake. I may have some incredible LIFE saving ideas some day. I supremely doubt it, but that would be pretty damn incredible now wouldn't it ?