Last Post

This will be my last post :(
I am now at www.alifenotyetunobserved.blogspot.com if you want to follow me :)
- cheers

Night time

Well, tonight I cannot sleep for the life of me, so I am going to watch a movie,with the name of "The Corporation " I shall write a review after sleeping, waking up and coming back to blogging. I actually went on a retreat where (GASP!) I was not allowed any sorts of electronics, sorry any readers, that is if I have any secrect fans out there :) Well, I am very sorry for my absence. Life is a TAD hectic at this moment, but hopefully I can get to doing this more often, I rather enjoy blogging!
To start, the conferance was incredible. I met so many people, and had such an incredible fantastic wonderful amazing time. Something I will certainly never forget. I laughed, I cried, but all and all it was such a wonderfull experience. I cannot thank the people in charge enough for allowing people that sort of experience. It was hopefully one of those weekends I remember forever.
 One thing that did stand out was that , by the last night, gosh did I ever want to go home. I missed people, and my bed. familliar things. This scares me, moving out is basically this experience times... 100. It is frightening to think of.
 Another rather frightening thought I had was when I was with Alex, and I started to think about death. As an agnostic ( I think this is a word for a non hard core athiest, but if it is actually a religion sorry ) I do not beleive there is anything after death. This is a scary as hell idea. At some point in time, I just will not exsist. Now I know this is the cycle of life, and this is how life works, but god is it ever scary. I rather enjoy exsisting, I love my life, and well, gosh, thinking about it makes my mind crawl with sinister thoughts, so new topic.
 Love, how does one tell that they are in it? How can you be sure you feel real love towards a person. As many people say, you just know. But what is the definitive difference. It is something that has plaqued my mind for a few days, mayhaps weeks. How can one truly know they are in love, as oppossed to lust or extreme like. Love is certainly comitment, but anyone is comitted until something is over. If something ends, there is a lack of comitment right? So that does not quite work. A willingness to commit may be a check towards love, but not neicassarily.
I duunnno, But My movie is done downloading, so this shall be continued :)

Sorry

Sorry but tonight I am much too tired to blog, so all you get is this one lousy sentence <3 I love you blogger world!

OMG!

  I missed yesterday! This is terrible!!!! How could I? Though, in all fairness I passed out when I got home, it was a looonngg day. Me and some friends, (maybe 10 tops :P ) Went out and had a bonfire at my ex's home. It was pretty skilled. We made this huge fire, but it was raining, and cold, and maybe sort of a really fun failure.

  This brought me to the thought, wow, I miss summer. So very much. Summer is when I can freely go stay at random peoples houses, I can sleep in till 3 PM (not that I ever do) and I can just waste my life away on groups on people doing hang out like activities. It just feels so free, so lets - do- whatever- we -want great! Summer is the time where all good memories sort of just, happen.

  That is not to say winter is terrible. I just sort of miss the sun. I miss feeling warm without 15 layers, and I certainly miss not having to take my BF clothes every day just to survive. I think this is why Christmas is in winter, to even  out the balance between the two seasons. Or maybe it is just why people move to California.

Okay, well, I have a VERY important workshop in around, say 15 minutes, so I guess I need to be going. Good buy world, I'll come back later tonight to make up for it!

Busy

I enjoy being busy, but I never know where I should put more of my effort in. What is truly the most important to me? Where , and what deserves my time, my effort the most. This week has been about juggling. Is it my friends, my family, my BF my schooling, any of the three main clubs I attend (not regularly, but enough I would count them as important.) Life never quite decides to all fit together perfectly, I wish somedays it did.
Something new I have added into my schedule as well is my addiction to deviant art, and blogger. Maybe not an addiction per sae but a wanting of doing so daily. Do I enjoy posting up random thoughts? Yes, yes I do. Do I enjoy having a way to rant and rave about my issues, well but of course!, Mostly do I enjoy having a way to spread my important and TOTALLY RIGHT views upon society, but of course.
I guess now, all I need to do is buy a scheduler! : )

How boys catch girls - Observations

In my day, I have made some shocking discoveries. Now all of these are sure fire generalizations that may be offensive; do not read unprepared. Boys, get your pencils out, soon you will be catching girls in NO time!

To start, as a guy you will need warm clothes. Girls are cold blooded by nature and are attracted to warm members of the opposite ( or even same) sex. Wear a large jaChet for yourself, an under hoodie for any girls who may 'need one' and at least two toques. When she sees you are able to provide her with warmth she will instantly be attracted.

Girls love sacriffice, so boys, you need video games. The more, the better. Girls base long term affection on how much boys 1. Comprimise and 2. Sacrifice. Everytime you see her instead of playing mindcraft is plus ten in your favour.

Next , be rude occassionaly. Tease her, bug her, tell her to go make you a sammich. She will hit you, but girls get guilty concieses easily. Each hit will eventually be traded in for a kiss, a hug or other at a later time. Since your girl hitting you will not hurt, everytime she hits you just think ' kiss' . Soon you may even like it ( masochistic)

Those are my three observations about how boy can get dates, bye world! <3

On a day like today

Anything could happen. The sun may Turn purple or dark red in the sky. The birds may just learn they are unable to fly. Mountains may move, sea's dissapeare maybe the answer to life will appear (42) today is a day full of wonder and excitment. Full of perfection and ecstacy all rolled into one. Today has been a realization that every recent feeling is a stronger version from yesterdays. Today is hope and utter assurance in the future, our future. Today is pure, pure love <3

As I am sure you can tell today has been just, awesome. Ever so perfectly awesome. Seeing as how this is a daily recap of how I feel I decided today I feel like a silly off kilter poem. I rhyme, I twist I turn and as I go on less makes sense. I love today =)

Today, anyday can be THE day you will never forget. <3

Things to do; busy-ness, things I care about

Gosh my life is packed, I can not think of one day in the entire two weeks that is not fully packed. Just for my sake and to waste size space ( because apperently my posts are too short wink wink nudge nudge) explaining what I need to do =)

Tuesday - I have the incredible class that is jam making. Me and 5 other students (maybe 6) all meet up and make jam with two teachers; whose names shall not be exposed. It's an incredible class, but very exhausting and draining after a long day.

Wednesday I am off to lund! I am soooo stoked for that day, quite frankly no one has like any idea how amazing that is to me, since I have never been to Lund before :)

Thursday I am going... SHOPPING !! Life is going to be amazing that day =) Gunna wear some clothes, try on some more and yeah, tis exciting.

Friday - hmmm fat day with Laura, Megan and rowan . Stoked to be fat and make ketchup cake. I am not quite sure what is: but I want to try it.

Saturday - yayy for busyness, workshop meeting for the diversity initiative, than texada, and than the yrc music idol thing until 10

Sunday- hiking up suicide creek, which is actually an insanly pretty place, go figure.

Well that's all I want to rant about, but gosh is it packed. Now I guess I could quit all of that but it all happens to be things I care about. Urghh I hate caring some days. I love the diversity initiative , and the YRC and YAC and jam making but gosh it is just sooo much. My problem is that if it's an issue I care about I want to help out majorly.I guess even kindness is a burden

Dissapointmens ;

You know somehing I truly hate? Expectations and dissapointments. Now why do I say this? Because, for the very first time I convinced my BF to come hiking with me. He dislikes nature, so this is like majorly incredible. But no, no, it rains. Of course it rains. If  I had waited until today and asked him, it would have been great out, but because there was fore though, it is pouring rain.

What is the point of all this you say? I hate that whenever I have something major to look forward to, the weather occassionaly makes it imposible. Now, I guess by now I should learn that basing what I do outside should be waited unil the day of the activity. But basing rides around that are incredibly hard. Rides and people do not expect you to cancell everything over a little rain.

Hmm, I guess this brings me to another point, though this is rather unconnected. I dislike how as a young adult I have almost no way of transportation. Living in a small town makes busing places rather inconvenient and pointless. But it is a large enough place that walking is aswell. What does that leave me with? Well, rides, or illegal free riding to get anywhere. This is redundant. As a person with little mobilization ability for far distances I honestly sort of feel trapped. That is just, well , unjust~

On to a happier note though, today is my happy go-lucky day! So, blanket forts, hot chocolate, movies, pokemon, fatty foods and cuddling in the warmth of my house is in order. No hiking (which unless you are just reading this paragraph your aware of) and a great day to look forward to ~ Bye internet for now!!

Driving Lessons

I went driving today; It was great!
I can now drive in amazing perfect circles
Also, I suck at driving old cars, just saying. They are unable to be turned <3
I hates them, majorly.
Hmmm, but I do love the feel of a car wisking past me :)
The feel of control over enormous amounts of power and speed, I enjoy driving I think.
Today has been great, me and my sister went hiking up a random creek, and I took a ton of photos. I also decided I have a few wish list items I would love to get, before , or for my birthday.

1. Is a fancy new amazing HP printer that can print up to 8.5 - 11 for only 99 $ ( You have nooo idea how cheap that is in comparison to normally , its 200$ off) I would love it to display some of my work around my home, like absolutely love!

2. Photopaper just because that is always usefull to have, also, I have an idea for a gift that involves some larger prints, it may be needed.

3. A tripod, just because I can always find times where I am like... wow ! I WANT / NEEd one right now!

4. (last but not least) I would like to buy some decent photo edititng software; These free downloads are not quite the same as like premier photoshop elements :P

That is all I have learned from today. I am a compulsive buyer when it comes to somehting I have interest in, which changes almost monthly. Is that healthy? No. No it is not, but is it fun? Yeah, it is :)

Black Swan

SPOILER ALERT!
While I am here, I guess thinking to myself; wow that is not what I expected. To put it nicely, my mind feels gently disturbed, but in a great way. I loved it; the cinematography (not that I can spell or anything) was some of the best I have seen in a while. The acting was, well, in my opinion great. Maybe not amazingly spectacular, but about as close as I have seen in a very long while. I guess I'm using this post to go over everything I liked, and the maybe 2- 3 things I disliked. Hmm actually it may be less. Anyhow without farther a due -
  To start, this movie is not exactly peachy clean. Darren Aronofsky did an incredible job making you disturbed but the end of the film, but through out it used rather subtle foreshadowing (minus one part but that comes later) So I guess my first little paragraph type deal is on the style of the film. Now, before I start, I enjoy more, how do you say it, disturbing? films. I enjoy the ma-cob,  creepy styles of many films, and I love darker aspects to my movies. This movie has quite a few. Since I wrote spoiler alert (added may-haps 10 seconds ago) I guess I can now say what. To start, there is not a lot of death in this movie. It is a psychological thriller, not a happy go lucky ahh everyone dies sort of film. I dislike thrasher everyone dies flicks usually (the old ones occasionally make me happy though) But the way he makes you creped out is terribly affective. Honestly, I almost have a sick sort of pleasure-full feeling after watching it. Anyhow, the gist is he did a phenominal job, and I loved it.
  Some scenes I really enjoyed based on the style of filming. The dance scenes were done brilliantly. The way the camera did some of the angles was gorgeous. Also the use of symbolism for blood , and black and white was very apperent. I almost think they stole the symolism out of macbeth, for it reminded me heavily of that. They were obvious symbols, but nicely done I must say.The use of contrast was very very well done aswell, though it was sort of the basis of the film.
  Alrighty, the acting. It was, well natalie portman did wonderous. Her performance was amazing. The mother , not that I remember the actor, was creepy and scary and did great. The instructor was decent, he did not have a very large role but for what he had he did well. Whomever played beth caught my attention, she was interesting, I am not sure if it was good per sa but nice to watch? I guess.
  Alrighty, so that is what I enjoyed about black swan. The things I did not like were the guessable ending and some of the graphic scenes, but mostly it was inredble. Okay so I am done, byebye!

Thoughts ;

This is on my iPod touch so bear with me, I have had an incredibly epiphenous day today. To start pants are incredibly pointless and stupid. No one loves pants.
Second of all I am getting worse at sleep yet feeling more awake. This does not for the life of me make any god given sense. Why would it be that less sleep is making me more refreshed and alert? I wish I knew!
Third the skies have become increasngly well... Gorgeous. They have honestly became photographic almost every day, dawn and daybreak. I do not know what causes all those viBrant colours but I wish I knew.
Hmmm fourth I have noticed a ton more birds as of late. Literally everywhere I have seen seagulls, birds, ravens, pidgeons, every such flying creature on any such object I encounter. I do not enjoy this new side to Powell river; not one bit!
~ Now some of my thoughts on a future viewsing. As anyone whom knows me incredibly well knows, I love movies. Honestly ever so often I will probably rant about a movie until a post just basically becomes a review. I dunno I've just always liked movies. Tomorow I am going to watch the black swan.
My anticipation is erupting as it has been the last few days since my BF said he would take me. It looks incredible. The two main highlights I've heard are the film styles , and the plot. The acting is supposed to be decent, and I've heard nothing about the score though it is about ballet so; think classical. Everyone I know (almost) has been ranting, raving or mentioning this movie somehow, I'm almost thinking new Scott pilgrim; across the unniverse mayhaps? Indie like film ( though this one is not indie just off beat) (actually I doubt those two were either they were just filmed very indie like) pop cilulture status icon film.
Okay , I am tired! Good night !

A brand new day

Well today was the start of a new semester at my lovely school, since this is more just to get in the habit of writing, I'm just going to shortly explain my four classes than go back to attempting to figure out how this game maker works; it seems not very confusing, but really not all that easy.

C- Math, sort of an amazing class, my teacher I am rather sure is a genius. He has serious genius qualities, it is rather incredible. The people in it are rather great as well.  I rather enjoy it. Today we learned basic BASIC review, like rather stuff we had learned way back in grade 9. Ridiculously easy if I do say so myself. Thank god it is over for the day though- my only class with homework.

D- VIDEO game design, which I must say is rather incredible. I think if I actually apply myself this will be the most amazing est class ever ! :)

B- Was law, the teacher is sort of known as being a fun teacher; always. I think I will enjoy this block, honestly if not just for the distractions in it.

A- English, which is rather, well fun. Everything I had heard about the teacher has been a tad bit, well harsh, but so far she seems incredibly nice. I actually enjoy English, so I think this class will be fun!

Alrighty- that was my day, if I have some inspiration I shall post later! :)

~ synopsis~

~My day in a nutshell - made soup, took almost 200 pictures, ate some of that incredible vegetarian (for other people, not myself I love meat) deliciousness, drank so much hot chocolate it was almost painful, watched hitchiker's guide to the galaxy, edited pictures, end of anything important~

So basically I had a fat day minus those 200 almost photos. Lately I have been trying to take a lot more, and I've  come to the conclusion I love photography. I am not sure why, but it is something I have not gotten bored of yet, the only true detour so far has been a lack of time for it, and the freezing coldness that plagues my hands. Taking pictures in this weather is less than enjoyable I think, but I still manage to at least once a think oh hey, I wish I had my camera right about now. That thought races through my mind almost every time my friends show up, I see the sky, or I wonder outdoors. It probably is not going to go away any time soon. Hurry back sun!

My dream

  My dream was unusually vivid last night, and that almost never happens, so as a responsible teenager I'm writing up my dream so I do not forget it, I may do this again if I ever happen to have another vivid dream but honestly at the rate it happens it may be a few, well years.
  To start somehow my mother got me a job as a painter. Now I do not think I have ever actually painted any houses so, this was a bit of a far stretch. It was not exactly lucid dreaming, since it felt rather real. So anyhow my first day on the job as a painter I was instructed to paint some guy called Joe's house. He was a white male, maybe 6 '2, rather skinny and had a rat like face. He told my mother that I was making around 39$ an hour and all he wanted was his basement a nice reasonable white. The first thing I noticed was the failed attempts. Many people had already wanted to paint this house but been interrupted in the process, this sent my brain thinking he was a lazy rich bum who had tried to be cheap but did not have the patience for painting his own house. So of course I started instantly on a half decent part , re-doing it.
  As the day went on at around lunch time Joe and his wife went out for dinner. This also struck me as weird afterwards but I do not remember questioning it in my dream. As I continued on with my work I went upstairs to grab some KD (which is probably exactly what I would do in real life). As I was cooking a strange man grabbed me from behind and dragged me out of the house shouting , "You need to leave, NOW!" The now should be in caps in the way he said it, it was very enthusiastic almost. We went across the street to his house where he quickly hid me behind a couch. He explained that Joe was a child killer, and "hired" teens to paint his home, he got his wife out of the house, he came back murdered them and left them out on the highway to die. Now this highway was nothing like any one I had ever seen around, at around then I realized my dream was not set in my home town.
  He told me to get in his trunk, and he would drive me to safety. I VERY quickly told him I was claustrophobic, and really why should I trust some random stranger. He could very well be the killer as well! I ran out of his house exclaiming things like do not touch me you weirdo, and yelling help. He chased after me with a evil grin and he yelled things such as I need to save you. About then I realized he was in cahoots with Joe. I had to get away.
  Joe than appeared out of no where on the other side of the street. Somehow I pulled out bear mace and sprayed them both in the eyes. Weirdly enough later in the dream I tell my boyfriend that I use a paint roller, not sure why that is but hey, it is a dream. I darted down below the road and start stealthily getting home through peoples lawns and back alleys.
 Now in my dream it is expressed as  a rather long journey, totally around 10 hours. But in my mind it pretty much just skipped from dark to light, to dark again, and I start paying attention about a block from my boyfriends. It is dark, both their cars are following my progress, and my heart is thumping like mad. I make a break for it and run into his ( I am going to call my boyfriend him . he , et now, its shorter) house and locked the door quickly. I did not see anyone there so I ran into his room and under his bed. Which of course he was in, apparently the clock said 3 in the morning.
  So of course both Joe and his neighbour type guy park their cars outside waiting for me to leave, creepers. I quickly find him laying in bed with the phone. I snuggled up to him and take the phone, and instantly call nine one one in a panic. Up until that point I do not remember being upset, but as soon as I call 911 I am sobbing my eyes out. I somehow explain to the cop that they have to come here, now, without sirens so they can catch the men. He wakes up to my crying, and quickly comforts me and hides me under some blankets in the corner of his room (He has a box fort, its amazing :) )
  Soon the cops come and apprehend both the men, and I am free to go. I leave the corner of his room, stop crying, and instantly I was in court speaking against them both putting on a witness testimony. Both men confess, and I head home, feeling better about life in general.
  Now for the life of me I cannot tell what sparked that, or what it means. The night before I watched Tron, talked to K (who will hopefully know who she is ) and passed out around 11. If anyone knows anything about dreams, honestly I would love to know. I think the painting thing is pulled up from me helping paint a local establishment, but the killer named Joe, and the neighbour I have no idea about. I do not even know anyone named Joe.
 I hate having unexplained dreams. Oh well, my friend is now coming over for MAKE SOUP DAY<3 byeby interwebs ~

Intolerance

~ should you tolerate intolerance? Is it a good idea to allow someone mercy or grace for something you may not necessarily agree with, or should you press your ideas of tolerance on them therefore showing intolerance? Just something to think about, just because you think something is right does not make it so. For instance the idea of murder being wrong, is that just because we as a society frown on it, or is it because it is actually unjust. Murder has probably removed many a tyrant from the throne, helping many children whom were being tortured out, and other great gifts to maybe better people. Does that mean if you are truly tolerant you should accept those bad people, and those killers as well. Tolerance includes everyone, but if everyone is tolerant to everything, laws get thrown out the door. I think basic society laws state you need a balance between tolerance and punishment, the line on deciding is just the tricky part~ something to mull over ~

Debates

~ pointless debates over things that do not matter have to be one of the most amusing things I ever hear. How people can go so crazy over their personal ideas and decide that no matter what they must keep onto their ideas and not loose. I also enjoy how my two friends beside me are arguing over the words agnostic and atheist,  two words with VERY similar meanings but of course, they must duel to the death. I love my life some days :) Thanks guys, you inspired me to type something albeit short up ~ that is all

secrets

This will be a rather small post- so do not mind that.
I hate when people find out things they rather should not know.
Can I trust someone I would not necessarily tell about something? But also, should you not have inert faith in people that they are able to and will keep your secret. After the events of today I think I have learned inert faith is reasonable, and true. People are more trusting then they appear. Occasionally, you need to spread your secrets, life may just become more entertaining. You won't ever know unless you try, right? 

A continum

   I probably spelt  the title wrong, but this post is in some accordance to the last one. This morning as it were in my time I think I shall ramble on about expectations for the future!
  Everyone has them. Everyone cannot wait for their next date, the next big party, the next who's who event. I do not know about adults but for teenagers this is certainly the case. People discuss what has happened, and what is about to in the next week or so.
  But is this bad? I think it may pull away from anything happening RIGHT NOW! Who has completely  missed an incredible day, and incredible moment focusing on the ones that will come. Expectation are never fully met, but this one moment may completely take your breath away. As the cliché says why wait for tomorrow what you can do today; I think it should read why wait, period? Life is an outstanding idea, it is completely your perception though.
  I have noticed myself shying away from the more negative people in my life recently. They are the people that live for yesterday, and have honestly started to get on my nerves. Life overall for almost anyone I know is superb. They have food, water, friends, loved ones, everything yet they can complain for almost three hours about nothing.
  As a person I am generally positive. I of course have had some negative moments, who has not.   I like to think of my self as a pessimistic optimist; which basically means I see the best in everything, except myself. Having more positive people around me has changed my inner thinking on this though, who needs gossip? Who needs a complaint every ten minutes, when you miss ten chances to make someone's day better. I think a better understanding of expectations is to just, discard them. Life is what you make it, when you start deciding to. Nothing more~ nothing less :)

Expectations

Girls expectations are always higher than guys. They live in romantized ideals and fairy tale romances ever since a girls first day born. Who does not want prince charming to sweep you off your feet, carry you away and woo you. To be better, who does not want a perfect romance; everlasting love, for life?
Are any of these ideas reasonable? Of course, none involve flying, break the laws of physics or defy life. But what are the chances of this happening? Honestly if you said one in ten guys had one personality trait out of say my top ten : honesty, resect, intelligence, attractive, funny, tall ( yes that's incredibly shallow) , friendly and outspoken , kind and caring, relaxed. Each is a 1/10 chance, so all ten would be ten ^10 chance, or one in 10000000000 by my simple, very basic and unscientific math.
But by my simple logic, no one on earth would ever find someone with their top ten desired trates. So are people created on their ability to click with others? Or do people just have to learn to settle and forgive Someone for their shortcomings.
Anyhow that is what was on my mind~ maybe I'll finish tomorow I'm tired! ~ I love you to a certain someone <3 Good night!

special sanctions

Is there a case in life where you make special exceptions? For instance waking up at 6 in the morning for a friend in need? I think there is only one case I would do almost anything; friends family and boy toys. I would for sure leave my house at 4 in the morning for a friend whose just gotten dumped; not to randomly sneak out for a party though. Weird how that works, my values and such. If its for a good cause I'd break any rule, but on the other side I've been asked to sneak out to see some friends got drunk and I declined. My values I think may be a little warped. Either way I would get in equal trouble (strange but true) My mom is strange in that sense. Alas~ I wonder why that is? What causes you to make unnamed rules for oneself in the first place? I think part of it is out of respect for my family. I love my mom enough not to be ridiculous and put in jail~ usually. But If in my mind it is justified as a moral good, I may even sneak over to a party to rescue a friend. There is not any difference except for in my mind I guess. Everyone puts boundaries on oneself even if your not quite aware of it. Why not? Rules, at least self induced one are what keeps one in society. Imagine not having them though. Young adulthood sounds like it does not have rules, although how many college kids become mass murderers or rapists? So obviously they have some, unbeknown ideologies in their minds. Most people do not even know of these I think, I know the only people I've seen show theirs are OCD folks whom have to do things a certain way. Anyhow its early and i want food ~ good morning! :)

passions

Everyone in life has a few, no matter if they think so or not. A passion is something you can work at for hours, do the dirty work for and still want to go back to in the morning.  Something that can occupy all your time and never last a minute. Love is passion, life should be passion, and everything should be passionate <3 ~ that is all

Exams, last and FINAL day

Yayy, for exams are finally, well almost finished. I happen to have another in around 1 hour or so, not that I'm overly worried about it. Socials, truly who needs it? Well, graduating does I assume, but they're the only ones whom care.
The thing that really drives me mental about all of this is who decided I need this one class in order to be successful. Shall I become a historian, I may see its use, up until that point though, I doubt it. Really truly I dislike some classes, especially socials. Now, I do not know why that is, the class just, is not interesting to me. I also do not think it is important. Math I sort of understand a use for, though only about, maybe 1/4 of the things we learn we may think about past high school; depending on your job.
  Another thing on my mind is how much I dislike loosing sleep over anything, sleep is precious.Having  had taken about a litre on Nos today (and no that is not healthy) I feel jittery, but still insanely tired. It has not helped my fatigue at all, though it has robbed me of any hope of going to bed before 1.
  Lets see, there is not a whole lot on my mind as it were,seeing as how my brain has shut off. Has that ever happened to you? In the middle of my chemistry exam I completely lost focus. Everything had almost a dream like blur to its color, the light became intensely bright and I just could not think for any life of me. Having had ADD all my life I am truly used to a lack of focus, nothing that takes longer than an hour ever has,but this was almost like phasing out. I wonder if that happens to most kids... maybe?
Finally, last but not least I would like to add that although I dislike English; it has actually done something for me. I spent all last day (yesterday, since i temporarily forgot the word) thinking about the little gifts life brought me. Time spent laughing with my friends was great. I even managed to  enjoy watching people play DDR; a game I don't necessarily hate, but strongly dislike. ~ apparently I need to eat, bye bye world :)

Exams, how I hate thee

    Well. exams are terrible, but I actually enjoyed the story I wrote up, so I'm gonna write it up on here. Not that anyone reads this; but it sounded enjoyable. If anyone does, enjoy <3
   Actually, I think i may be lazy, and write the gist of it. I was sort of proud by my main idea, though loser informs me it was too graphic for a final exam. He is mental.
   So the premise is this; a boy named kyle who is a rich snob prep teenage boy alcoholic sociopath saves a boy, whom is beaten and stolen from by his parents from commiting suicide; through a slice of pizza :) I thought that was damn well bloody brilliant, but could it word? If you were so hung up about life hating you, could one instance change your view. I think that hate, an acquired hate is deep. It does not go away, it will not subside. The only thing is that there are many accounts of people changing views such as this over a simple act. I think that this is because those people  were looking for an excuse to not die. This is not a bad thing, on the contrary it is an incredible thing that should be happening more often, for suicide should not occur.
   The other subject I assume he decided was to obscene for a school essay may have been the whole suicide thing. I guess it may be a touchy subject, though my family is so open about things I never think about that. suicide is not wrong per say, but it is not the answer. It does not truly solve anything. Also I guess being beaten by parents, and stolen from by parents are probably both touchy subjects aswell.
  Final thoughts ; exams suck. They are not useful, they do not truly portray how much you know a subject, and they are unneeded. Most teens panic beforehand, none do as well as they could if it was not a pressured topic and such a large portion of your grades. Studying kills any ability to sleep, eat, or even attempt to live real life. The lazy ways that should be encouraged in your childhood is destroyed. As you can tell I hate essays. That is all ~  Me =)

Thoughts

Urgh, apperently if you do something for 30 days straight it will become habit ; guess what my new goal is? Honestly after finding OIT that from my iPod this may be easier than at first I would have thought persuades me but i am enjoying letting out all my mental thoughs. Now they never happen to be organized, ñor in any particular order, but going over my thoughts in a day has become enjoyable, though I'm only on day 3/ 30 so wish me luck <3
So the first thing that truly will lead to my last is well, me and my significant other; on this posts behalf I shall call him my loser( a term of endearment) had a not actual but sort of fight. Now this is insignificant to this post, there was some crying we made up than we talked... Blah blah blah. The important thing on behalf of this post happens to be our conversions.
See, we discussed a three part dream I have had. Throughout the last few nights I've had an almost reaccuring dream. To start, in part one he gets butterfly malaria ( most ridiculous non existant disease my brain has come up with). Part two is the progression if the disease, and eventually he dies in my arms, beside me. The third and final installment is me sitting on a bridge, I think , reminess and eventually by the end of the dream jump to my death.
Why does that matter? It means my subconcious beleives he's worth dying for. That scares me, to an extent I cannot say. I have been selfish in the ideal that I have spent my life truly beleiving I'm not that ignorant as to beleive a boyfriend would be worth my death. Truly I would have thought that in their name I would grow as a person from it, be hurt but eventually heal, keep the experience with me but move on.
Obviously the voice in my head disagrees. But why? Is there something new in this relationship that has changed my inner beleifs. I am fairly sure I love him, but I would hope It's not quite that tragic. My subconcious scares me occassionaly.
Anyhow in my day that was the prevailing thought I would say; posting my inner thoughts on the Internet probably isn't oh so helpfull but it helps me sort stuff out; thanks to anyone~ if there is anyone reading this... ~ just me

Girls nights

Oh hey world =) I adore girls nights; to a weird extent. They are the epitome of a great night for a female. You get the best of both worlds ; hot boys to fantasize about, makeup and dress up to make yourself pretty, and the ability to talk about any subject of popular culture or present day happenings.

Me and my sleepovery ( the girl whom is at my house) were of course discussing boys and the various reasons why they date girls. I've realized that I may have had rather shallow relationships. A point that has came across is should you date someone solely on the fact they are atractive to you. Should an actual mental connection be needed to start a relationship; or just to continue it.

Personally I've had terrible luck in that aspect. Almost 80% of my boyfriends only decided to date me on account of the way I look. Now, I am not some incredibly great fantastic looking plastic girl. I am not a godess in walking stiletto's ; no one would ever declare there love for me on sight. But I guess I would not call myself hideous either. I understand the fact I'm not disgusting to the human eye either. But I hate how it made myself feel knowing That was the only reason they dated me, it hurt.

So I guess in my personal opinion yes you need to have a real bond. You must have that true mental wanting to be around each other and not just want to look at one another. Of course my friend now wants me to visit and study with her; final thoughts; date Someone you'd want to be best friends with, and someone you would not mind staring at all night aswell. Do not comprimise either section of a relationship. That's how you get actual depth and real love I would think; seems to be so far =)

Random thoughts

          So well... I made this blog for a few reasons. Honestly I doubt I'll be using it all that much, but ever so often I have deep profound (not that profound mind you) thoughts, and keeping a diary for me is hell... it kills my hand that is apparently overly weak; hence blog. Also it may even improve my typing... doubtful but i can hope right?

        Well first thought here, though not connected to any later ones is that this interface does not accept tab as a key, or at least will not allow it to function. Thats strange, I enjoy tabbing my paragraphs. Okay so first thought was from when i was walking home, would you rather die for someone, or be tortured for them. This was brought about by my reading of 1984 ( George Orwell for anyone whom is not aware). In it he compromises his love for a girl named Julia, because they threaten him with rats eating him to death.

    The premise is though, that theoretically you can survive that. You could survive mass torture, and save the one you love as well. But would you? If you truly loved someone; than would it really be a question. True love entails wanting them to live above yourself, no matter what, correct? But, if anyone was in that situation, almost no one would succumb to torture on the behalf of their loved ones.

    That sort of begs the question, can real, unadulterated love exist. If no one (or rather VERY few) people would accept that; no one truly loves anyone else in that idea. That also bring me to my second thought, in my lovely thinking I discovered I would much rather die for someone. I mean, it would be instantaneous, so it would not be painful. I would not regret being dead afterwards, and my last thought would of course be "Damn... I rock !" How can you die for someone and not feel great about yourself really. But, also, thats almost taking the easy way out. Truly you did not suffer anything on their behalf. Its almost the same as sleeping forever on behalf of someone who needs your kidneys... no great harm to you. You will not even notice.

       My second random thought was while I was with my boyfriend, though it is a rather strange topic. Me him and my other friend Josh had been discussing this random gay character (Kurt, for anyone who watches Glee) and if he would be attracted to himself. I always imagine when in campy T.V and movies the two main characters switch bodies (way overused plot line by the way) and the male checks himself out; as does the female. But if you were already into the same sex as you would it not be the same? I do not think so, unless said person was narcissistic; but it made for interesting conversations. I am pretty sure biologically you cannot truly be interested in yourself, for it gets you "biologically speaking" no where. I also know whom your attracted to is something to do with how your brain is constructed - they proved it, as far as i'm aware- that being homosexual is something your born with, a trait. Just like a large nose, or brown hair. I also thought that was sorta fascinating, but i can talk about that some other time.

      Anyhow, those were my random thoughts over the last few days. Ive decided I shall just leave blogger open on my computer; for inspirations sake. I may have some incredible LIFE saving ideas some day. I supremely doubt it, but that would be pretty damn incredible now wouldn't it ?