Thoughts

Urgh, apperently if you do something for 30 days straight it will become habit ; guess what my new goal is? Honestly after finding OIT that from my iPod this may be easier than at first I would have thought persuades me but i am enjoying letting out all my mental thoughs. Now they never happen to be organized, ñor in any particular order, but going over my thoughts in a day has become enjoyable, though I'm only on day 3/ 30 so wish me luck <3
So the first thing that truly will lead to my last is well, me and my significant other; on this posts behalf I shall call him my loser( a term of endearment) had a not actual but sort of fight. Now this is insignificant to this post, there was some crying we made up than we talked... Blah blah blah. The important thing on behalf of this post happens to be our conversions.
See, we discussed a three part dream I have had. Throughout the last few nights I've had an almost reaccuring dream. To start, in part one he gets butterfly malaria ( most ridiculous non existant disease my brain has come up with). Part two is the progression if the disease, and eventually he dies in my arms, beside me. The third and final installment is me sitting on a bridge, I think , reminess and eventually by the end of the dream jump to my death.
Why does that matter? It means my subconcious beleives he's worth dying for. That scares me, to an extent I cannot say. I have been selfish in the ideal that I have spent my life truly beleiving I'm not that ignorant as to beleive a boyfriend would be worth my death. Truly I would have thought that in their name I would grow as a person from it, be hurt but eventually heal, keep the experience with me but move on.
Obviously the voice in my head disagrees. But why? Is there something new in this relationship that has changed my inner beleifs. I am fairly sure I love him, but I would hope It's not quite that tragic. My subconcious scares me occassionaly.
Anyhow in my day that was the prevailing thought I would say; posting my inner thoughts on the Internet probably isn't oh so helpfull but it helps me sort stuff out; thanks to anyone~ if there is anyone reading this... ~ just me